Monday, April 26, 2004
REFLECTING

My Grandmother got admitted into hospital on Saturday. She used to stay with me but is now staying with her real grandaughter. She's my mum's adopted mother, so technically, she's not exactly related to me, but she's the woman i grew up with. I shared my chidhood days with her. From the strong woman who picked me from school in Primary One, to the frail person lying in ward 54 now. Things have undoubtedly changed..for the worst.

I'm definitely worried for her. She complains of pains around her hip, but the doctors can't seem to find anything wrong. She's starting to have images of her younger brother, whom she was close to, who passed away almost six years ago. She's having images of her children who passed away. When I was by her bed, she told me she could see kids playing somewhere near the ceiling. These visions only mean one thing to me. I doubt she has long to live. These are signs given by God, i reckon. She has become bedridden, and has lost her vision and appetite. It was a solemn mood at the hospital.

She couldn't even remember me. She didn't recognise me. That was what got me deep. But, as my mum told me, i guess i just have to redha. She was a good moment, but her last moments are probably just pembawaan. I don't know.

I am frustrated that her real grandchildren don't even bother to come visit her. Except for the one she's living with. She has tons of grandchildren, but so far, none have surfaced at the hospital. I find that extremely disturbing. I wonder how I would react if i were to see them at the hospital. I have this image of me giving one long tirade. Orang masih sihat, takde orang datang tengok. Sekarang orang sakit, semua orang nak sibuk-sibuk. I really can do away with all these hypocrites. It is appaling that her grandchildren have already discussed how to split her possessions, when she's not even deceased yet. Some kind of grandchildren they are.

I wish i could turn back the hands of time, to have her healthy, alert and agile. I miss those times i would sit by her side, playing with her ear, as she watched TV. I miss those times I helped her make curry puffs. I miss those times that she would protect me and console me when I received a scolding from my parents. I miss those times that i used to spend with her. I really do. If her time is really up, all I pray for is that God takes her in iman.