A Summer afternoon in Schwarzsee

Monday, April 26, 2004
REFLECTING

My Grandmother got admitted into hospital on Saturday. She used to stay with me but is now staying with her real grandaughter. She's my mum's adopted mother, so technically, she's not exactly related to me, but she's the woman i grew up with. I shared my chidhood days with her. From the strong woman who picked me from school in Primary One, to the frail person lying in ward 54 now. Things have undoubtedly changed..for the worst.

I'm definitely worried for her. She complains of pains around her hip, but the doctors can't seem to find anything wrong. She's starting to have images of her younger brother, whom she was close to, who passed away almost six years ago. She's having images of her children who passed away. When I was by her bed, she told me she could see kids playing somewhere near the ceiling. These visions only mean one thing to me. I doubt she has long to live. These are signs given by God, i reckon. She has become bedridden, and has lost her vision and appetite. It was a solemn mood at the hospital.

She couldn't even remember me. She didn't recognise me. That was what got me deep. But, as my mum told me, i guess i just have to redha. She was a good moment, but her last moments are probably just pembawaan. I don't know.

I am frustrated that her real grandchildren don't even bother to come visit her. Except for the one she's living with. She has tons of grandchildren, but so far, none have surfaced at the hospital. I find that extremely disturbing. I wonder how I would react if i were to see them at the hospital. I have this image of me giving one long tirade. Orang masih sihat, takde orang datang tengok. Sekarang orang sakit, semua orang nak sibuk-sibuk. I really can do away with all these hypocrites. It is appaling that her grandchildren have already discussed how to split her possessions, when she's not even deceased yet. Some kind of grandchildren they are.

I wish i could turn back the hands of time, to have her healthy, alert and agile. I miss those times i would sit by her side, playing with her ear, as she watched TV. I miss those times I helped her make curry puffs. I miss those times that she would protect me and console me when I received a scolding from my parents. I miss those times that i used to spend with her. I really do. If her time is really up, all I pray for is that God takes her in iman.


-published at 9:29 PM.



Friday, April 23, 2004
PMS

Over and over again I find myself asking this question: Why do girls have PMS? I hate it. I hate dealing with it. Unlike most girls, I have the will to contain this syndrome. I don't take my PMS out on others UNLESS (if and only if) they push it. They will get it from me if they agitate me. In most cases, dealing with irritants is no big deal. I've met peskier irritants. I'm proud to announce that I have been at least 99% successful in dealing with PMS. Today must have been the other 1% of the time that I actually burst.. (in a fit of irritation..) I don't regret flipping that bastard off. I really don't. He deserved it. He's been nothing but a pain in my butt. I've had enough of him showing off. I've had enough of his eff-ing attitude. So that's that. People can't agree more. I'm sure.

Halim got injured during his first match against MI on Wednesday. All I saw was someone collapse on the pitch.. I prayed that it wasn't him. Then Aizat came and told me that the one who collapsed was Halim. I looked up and he was still running around. I thought he was fine... Or so I thought, till he starting hopping and finally collapsed again, calling for timeout. It was then that I knew he wasn't fine. Six minutes into the game and he had to be on the benches. Gah. Poor guy. He's been training non stop, and its his last season. Accompanied him to Alexandra Hospital together with Hamdi, Perry and See Toh where we found out that his ligaments around the knee got lodged between his bones. ouch. Then i guess the harsh reality sank in, that he would probably be out for the rest of the season. yikes. It pains him that he can't play. He's got 5 Days MC. I miss him so much...

Yikes. My migraines are back. My head is starting to pound again. Must be GP.

Oh, speaking of GP, (excuse my language) fuck, I hate my teacher. And its not PMS.


-published at 9:38 PM.



Sunday, April 18, 2004
MONOTONY

AAAAaaarrrggggHHhhh!!!! I can't live with this monotony. My life is becoming very much mundane. I hate it. Weekends which i used to spend with the people I love -- my family are now burnt cause i've got shit loads of tutorials to complete. The feeling of completing a tutorial is so victorious, but my happiness is shortlived, most of the time. I take close to a day to complete one, and the teacher takes 30 minutes to go through the entire thing. Gahhh! That is so frustrating! Can't I just take a short breather to enjoy the fruits of my labour.. at least for a while? A short while? Tutorials and Revision papers are streaming in by the dozen, I've lost count.

Someone help me. Spent one hour plus fiddling around with this mini digi cam thingy. Quite cool. Now I can start video conferences over MSN. heh. I'll just pray that the other party doesn't get sore eyes the next day yups.

Had a good chat with Atikk yesterday night. She was telling me how she wanted to be a lawyer after watching Legally Blonde. Um, right. Putting our jokes and crappiness aside, the crux of our conversation was meaningful indeed. For someone whom I felt I've drifted apart from, to still be able to talk casually to her, was great. heh. I had a great time. We were discussing what we were going to do with our futures, surfing into the websites of NUS, NTU and Harvard seemed exceptionally thrilling. heh. Everyone thinks I'd go into engineering. Why? I don't think I'm cut out to be an engineer like my parents. I should think I'm just going to major in Maths.

Putting that aside, i think i should first just concentrate on getting my 4 As for the A levels. I've seen people do it, it can be done. How easy it is, depends on me.


-published at 5:20 PM.



Monday, April 12, 2004
BLOCKED

A level fees due next month. Gah. Its a huge sum of money and this makes me realise how much my parents are spending on my JC education. It would be a huge waste to see that money go down the drain. 4 subjects at 'A' Level, 1 at 'AO', 2 S papers, all amount to just below $550. WHOA. I could live for a few months with that kind of money.

I still remember HI Yong Ling telling me during my preparations for the 'O' Levels. "You pay so much money for your name and grades to be printed on that cert, might as well make your money worth to get a nice-looking one", with the occassional lahs and lors. Sigh. I miss her. She never stopped encouraging me, and I think its times like this when i need all the encouragement I can get. I don't want to impose on my parents, and then ending up not producing a good outcome of their good $550.

Had GP lecture this morning. I was just thinking about how my writing has deterioriated. This blog sounds so trivial as compared to my other blogs in the past. I used to blog with brains. Now I just blog with my fingers. Maybe if I had taken Econs instead of F maths, there would at least be some sense in my writing. I didn't want to take econs because I didn't want to go through the pain and suffering of memorizing countless number of points just for one stupid essay, in which you have to plan and structure and organize your points in a stated fashion. If you don't do it their way, you don't get the marks. I've had enough of social studies and history. (I was a history student. Believe it.) Oh, and those horrendous Literature essays. gosh. Essays aren't exactly my forte.

However, me not taking econs deprives me of practice of writing essays. Thus, I think I've lost my touch at writing. Shu Jun went from SAJC in first 3 months to Hwa Chong JC switching from double-math-chem combi to some arts combi cause she didn't want to lose the hang of writing essays, in preparation for GP. I'm thinkin, is it worth it? We hardly need to do essays for Chem and Physics, let alone Maths and F Maths. GP essays are but a bore. No wonder the GP teachers dread the Further Maths classes. Maybe our GP does suck. (with the exception of some, of course) We just can't write, maybe? Or we just lack that writers' spark. I dunno. shrugs.

Whatever it is, I'm starting to feel it. I feel like I've become paralysed when it comes to expressing myself on paper. (or in pixels, for that matter) I can be vocal, yes, thank God I've not lost my touch at expressing myself through talking. See, talking and writing are two completely different things, and I think I've lost my touch at writing. GP lessons are definitely not enough for one to get the hang of writing, or arguing. I think my writing is pretty much verbal diarrhoea. What I have to say is never organised, and it comes without much thinking. I don't put much thought into stuff that I pen down. I think that is my problem.

Yes? No? Whatever it is, I want to be able to write again!


-published at 10:37 PM.



Saturday, April 10, 2004
CLOSE TO YOU

Ahhha! I woke up today. And i thought of Jasmine. She and her nonsense "Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you're (I'M) near..." ahaks. Its funny how the girls in my class have bonded. I feel more attached to them than ever before. Last year, I was close to them, but this year, seems like we grew closer. -shrugs- i dunno. I'm not complaining. heh. Love them. <3

I love my class.

Went to school to check up some statistics stuff. Interesting. Met Halim and we went to Suntec after that. What ever happened, happened. aha. :x ;)

I got loads of tutorials to finish. yayyyy. I'm in the mood people! I finally got myself into the tutorial mood. Oh yes. My parents celebrated their 20th anniversary on the 7th of april. I find that remarkable. 20 years of blissful marriage, they've been through thick and thin, and their love still holds strong. I hope I'll be like them. I hope my life would model after theirs. Its sad to watch couples just drift apart after years of marriage. Take my grandparents for example. It saddens me when they simply refuse to take a picture sitting together during Hari Raya. My grandmother would push someone else to sit beside her husband. I don't want me and my husband to end up like that. My grandmother's one fiesty woman eh?

I love my parents.

And I love someone else too. <3

Why do birds suddenly appear,
every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky,
every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
close to you...



-published at 7:17 PM.



Saturday, April 03, 2004
A SATURDAY IN SCHOOL

Today has been quite eventful, well, part of it. Had Chem S paper in the morning. We were discussing on how temperature affects the rate of a chemical reaction in detail. It was interesting! Jaya was already half dead beside me... he kept telling me that he wanted to drop the S paper. I guess he has the same mentality as me. Either take two S papers or don't take at all. I got to hang on to both my S papers. But how to..? when I'm not even doing well for my four A level subjects. sighx.

Had MCS orientation in the later part of the day. Oh. Wait. I forgot to mention that Cikgu somehow forgot to inform the J1s that we had an MCS orientation cum GK quiz. Thanks. She screwed all of us! J1s were getting so restless even I felt bad. We had loads of food though. Anyhow, I thought MCS was a success today. -shrugs-

Went out with Halim, lydia and Ba after that. We wanted to go watch a movie, but when we arrived at JEC, there were no good movies showing. Sigh. Talk about disappointment. We ended up reading books at Popular. Heh.

I'm going to change my blog background soon. and oh yes, I am, once again, loaded with tutorials... 6, to be exact. Double Sigh. I think its time i get hyped up again over tutorials... just like last year. Yes. It is certainly time.


-published at 5:49 PM.